maybe its a nascent ocd developing. or its been like this forever. because when I like a song, I’ll listen to it like 100 times before putting it down.
my latest is “next girl” from the black keys:
my next girl, she'll be nothing like my ex-girl I made mistakes back then I'll never do it again my next girl, she'll be nothing like my ex-girl It was a painful dance and I got a second chance.
yeh, baby. so today is the seventh of september. maybe I’ll keep counting the months forever, but for the record: today’s number is 326. we had the numbers 200 and 300 engraved on the inside of our wedding rings, marking the passage of a big anniversary most people never even noticed. we used to think how cool it would be when we got to 400. Thirty three and a third years. November 7, 2017. not going to happen, though. not ever. I wonder if I’ll still remember.
its a beautiful day. the heat finally broke and its dry to a fault. its even cool in the morning. unless you happen to be victim of one of the wildfires some poor people are dealing with around here after this long, hot, dry summer. God bless them, the poor bastards.
I’m getting my head out of my ass and starting to get out and see people again. and the funny thing is I’m seeing with new eyes. I’m feeling people in a way that I never did before. I’m sending my feelings out into the world, and there’s something coming back.
I see the old me now in a clearer light. people tell me they didn’t really know me, and I know why. because I didn’t open up, except maybe to Anita. mainly because there’s a lot of ego here, a lot of pride, and maybe also hurt and insecurity, for whatever reason, justified or not. and I was just kind of a closed book, like a lot of other people, just safer in my own world.
but after you spend some time doing what I’ve been doing, sobbing and moaning and praying for relief, there’s not much room left for ego.
so you can’t help but let people see your vulnerability, and why not let them in? and maybe its ironic, but when you need help, and you let people provide it, they get to feel better about themselves, and you. I mean there’s a good feeling in the space between you.
and all I’m saying is that I’m becoming more sensitive to those sorts of feelings. I can sense them emanating from other people in a way I never could before. you might say I learned that from Anita. but not exactly. I do feel her somehow, she’s a part of me, she’s rubbed off on me, I hear her words coming out of my mouth from time to time, but its this experience that knocks you off the tracks, and it changes you. really deep down. you fall down the well, and when you finally climb out, if you’re lucky enough to make it, you’re not the same person you were before.