In re: the breakup, notwithstanding that is going on, and I’m pulling up memories, and observations that I hoped would help me ease out of this world between worlds I now inhabit.
I’m starting to get used to the idea of being single, but the loneliness is overwhelming. I hate it.
And I’m getting out and seeing people, and it feels great. I’ve discovered I like being in the world and around people. Maybe that’s a commonplace, but its new to me. And not just recently new, but I never felt like this before.
That said, underneath it all I’m basically emotionally unstable.
Its true, Anita was a bottomless pit of need, but she was also my lover, my best friend and my trusted counselor. She was a sweet human being and a pain in the ass. We were as happy together as two people can be and yet I was often frustrated and miserable. And now I’m happy, at least some of the time. Thus the sense of conflict.
Let me testify: there is life after death. Life for those of us who remain, at least.
Today I’m struggling with some issues and I looked at her picture, and talked to her about it. And I was overcome with a desire to call her, to hear her voice, to see what she would say.
And somewhere in the back of my mind I can hear her voice, and I know what she would say, but I’m dismissing it, because another part of me wants something entirely different. I want a new life that is as different from the old one as it can be. I want someone who is as different from her as possible. And part of that is me becoming someone other than who I was, not seeking her approval, not sacrificing everything for her, or anyone, not doing whatever it took to make her happy, without asking, without questioning, not being a goddamned slave to love. I’ve been down that road all the way to the bitter end. And beyond. I’m done with that mess.
Maybe you try to run seeking to escape your fate, but no matter what you do, you turn around and there it is right in front of you. And then you have a choice, you might say. There’s so many different ways to formulate it, “surrender to the will of God”, as we find in the Torah, the Bible, the Koran and the Gita, or as Nietzsche says, “that one wants nothing to be different, not forward, not backward, not in all eternity.” That’s pretty heavy, when you think about it.
Yah, maybe you think you have a choice, but you don’t really. Speaking for myself, if I had a choice, I’d choose to believe that there exists a universal consciousness, and it permeates all reality, including ourselves, and I’d choose to believe that love is everywhere, if we only opened our hearts to it, we’d feel it, inside us, in the space between us, everywhere, making the whole thing go. And if we did choose to believe these things, we’d find that this sort of surrender is ironically very powerful and liberating.
Love that which is.