Author: dev7

  • things I value

    I’ve been doing some interviewing lately. Its funny. I’ll literally be on one side of the table in the morning and the other side in the evening.

    I found that I had scribbled some notes while listening to people. It occurred to me write down some things I value, or at least respect, particularly in folks I like to work with.

    Not in any order, here are some attributes that came to mind.

    persistence
    confidence
    passion
    loyalty
    articulateness
    sense of humor
    situational awareness

    hastiness
    laziness
    arrogance
    ambition
    desire to share
    ability to teach
    willingness to listen
    tolerance for uncertainty

  • signing statement

    If a president can issue a signing statement effectively declaring that he is going to ignore certain portions of the bill he is signing into law, then why can’t I do likewise when clicking “I Agree” to a software license agreement to which I really don’t agree?

  • Italian proverbs

    here’s a few Italian proverbs I came across one time:
    its no lion that is amused by chasing rats.
    money is a good servant but a bad master.
    money is the brother of money.
    the small pain loves to talk, the great one is silent.
    the best sauce is a good appetite.
    if the bed is ok, the marriage is ok.
    love, like a cough, is soon known.
    the rising sun has more worshippers than the setting one.
    there is no peace in the house where the hen crows and the rooster is silent.
    Insalata, ben lavata, bene salata, poco aceto, ben oliata, quattro bocconi alla disperata.
    (the well washed salad is the better salad, and a little vinegar, well served, will be enough for the desperate.)
    a little crap may help the garden grow.
    the lazy dog makes a big job out of his pissing.

  • Richard Dawkins vs. God

    Richard Dawkins has a new book out, apparently mostly focused on debunking some of these myths we have about God. I’m sorry, but what a tragic waste of time and talent.
    First of all, I should say that Dawkins is for me himself kind of a god. Can I say that?
    His book, “The Selfish Gene” is on the short list of books I have read that have completely transformed my world view. Oh, I don’t know how short the list is, but I do know its kind of random, which in itself is probably revealing. Apropos nothing, a few other entries on it include an obscure set of reprints from Scientific American, called “Cosmology + 1”, Nietzsche’s “Twilight of the Idols”, Gibbon’s “Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire”, Frazier’s “The Golden Bough”, Heinrich Zimmer’s “Philosophies of India”, an abridged version of the Mahabharata given to me by an old friend from Kashmir, and Carroll Quigley’s “Tragedy and Hope.” And of course, old Number One, and in particular, The Psalms and The Book of Job. Yeah. That’s good stuff. Go off and read those, then get back to me, and we’ll talk.
    What these books have in common is a kind of mind boggling disorientation. I mean they bring you to contemplate what might otherwise be commonplaces in a way that is so far from conventional wisdom that maybe even if you thought you understood their subjects before having read them, no matter what else you think afterward, you wind up with a new perspective in spite of yourself.
    What really knocked me out when I read The Selfish Gene was the sense of the enormity of the time over which evolution has to work, and how fruitless it is to try to apply “common sense” to phenomena so far out of any context with which we have had any meaningful experience, that it sends the mind reeling.
    In “The Blind Watchmaker” Dawkins addresses this point directly, in that one argument postulated against Darwinian evolution, even in its modern modified form, is that it defies reason to think that complex entities like ourselves “merely appeared” on the face of the earth, like a pocket watch spontaneously coming into existence on the Scottish moor.
    It seems implausible to our tiny minds to imagine such a thing happening, yet our best evidence and most careful study lead us to believe something quite like that. Except there is nothing ‘spontaneous’ about it. Some of us now think we have evolved from blobs of complex molecules having certain properties of replication over the course of billions of years. It is so hard to fathom the length of time over which this evolution has occurred that scientists studying these phenomena, being human themselves, have to spend years training their minds in order to explain the facts before them in terms which they themselves can’t possibly comprehend. Think about it.
    Another wonderful book: “Adaptation in Natural and Artificial Systems” by John Holland approaches adaptation from a computational point of view. Its a real mind bender, check it out. In it he shows how powerful evolutionary problem solving can be, whatever you want to believe.
    What I mean is that this is complex stuff — that even our best minds are only beginning to understand. If we have given up on our priests to give us all the answers let us not merely point the fickle finger of fate at our scientists. There are no answers. At least that we are capable of comprehending. There are only hypotheses, undoubtedly vast oversimplifications that either predict events or fail to do so. That is all.
    A similar or maybe even more fundamentally disorienting experience must occur in the realms of astronomy and astrophysics, or so-called high-energy physics wherein we contemplate distances so great, or so small, and observed peculiarities of space and time so bizarre and alien to our everyday experience that we are barely capable of grasping them, much less finding them consistent with “common sense,” whatever that means.
    So, the first thing to grasp is that no one really understands any of this. Scientists study phenomena, postulate hypotheses explaining the phenomena and these theories succeed or fail more or less as they are applied to and remain consistent with additional observations. Scientists tell us what they think, and we either trust them or we don’t. That is it. We all have this desire for definiteness. We like things to be simple. Does God exist or not? Some say yes, some say no. But the truth is, no one knows. Why can’t we just leave it at that?
    What strikes me as maybe ironic is that scientists, or what may more generally be called “rationalists,” otherwise so skeptical about everything, sometimes seem to lack the ability to be skeptical, or shall we say modest, with respect to themselves. Questions about the existence of God and other imponderables like, Do we have souls? Is there life after death? Which, first of all, are entirely different questions from one another, get all muddled up together in this garbage heap of “irrationality” and absent any evidence, meaning any instrumentation with which to measure such phenomena, they are outside the realm of science. Pending the discovery or invention of such mechanisms, why can’t we just be content with that, and remain silent on the subject, then?
    I’m afraid the true answer is that we have such divergent world views competing in the realm of policy these days, that we dare not ignore these differences of opinion for fear that we might underestimate our ability to kill one another over some such arcana.
    Maybe there is something out there, some consciousness, maybe even with some of the attributes we conceive of as applying to God, omnipresence with respect to our dimensionality, omniscience with respect to our puny intelligence, something which remains hidden, and we have so far been unable to detect, like the cosmic background radiation. We can hypothesize it based on nothing more than intuition. Is that such a crime? Don’t confuse faith with fact, but it would seem prudent to approach the universe with a profound humility, just on general principles.
    I think of Job and others in the Bible, wise men, better than you and me, when they find themselves before God, they tremble in fear, cover their eyes, and fall to their knees.
    We wouldn’t expect a modern man to do anything resembling that, would we? I imagine a modern man standing there saying something like, “Now see here, God, I have a couple of questions for you.” Does that sound like a sensible attitude one should have toward the master of the universe? I’m not talking about whatever dysfunctional relationship you had with your father, with authority in general, with the man in the pulpit, or the Pope or the Archbishop of Canterbury. I’m not saying ‘pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.’ What I am saying is look at the universe around you. Really look at it, and ask yourself, who are you to judge that which is beyond your comprehension? Where were you when its foundations were laid? Where were you when God said to the seas ‘thou shalt go thus far and no further’?
    So often, that’s what I hear when people like this joker John Humphrys on BBC4 trying to be profound ask questions that sound to me like nothing more than “riddle me this, batman.” Wake up, dude. The universe doesn’t owe us shit. And in particular, it doesn’t owe us an explanation. There is pain and tragedy all around you. That’s right. And it doesn’t begin and end with the sick innocent child that you claim somehow disproves the existence of God, nor does it begin and end with the tragic sadness of grief, or the sins we commit on one another. Its positively childish to put that on one plane, and forget about your scrambled eggs for breakfast, or factory farms, or a million other things you may or may not be aware of. For one example, consider the ongoing struggle for life between yourself, which you barely understand, and the microbacteria and viruses you are literally fighting with for life every moment of every day, as you sleep and wake. Wake up, you dumbass!
    What I mean is that on the one hand, its amazing that we creatures, crawling around in the mud on the surface of this rock spinning in space, are able even to contemplate the vast universe, or that part of it which we can observe, and consider the beginnings and maybe endings of time, but on the other hand, even with all that, we have the arrogance to think we have the capability to understand more of it than we proportionately should expect to be able to.
    That is as our lifespan relates to all of time, and as our travels from birth to death relate to all of space, why should not our intellectual achievement thus relate to reality?
    That is not to diminish the accomplishments of human minds greater than our own, quite on the contrary. But where’s the humility, I ask you?
    Ponder with me, if you will, the life of a man, perhaps a great man in a distant land, perhaps centuries or even millennia ago. A man who achieved great and wonderful things, who was a hero to his people, and who was known through the generations. Consider such a man to have lived in a now lost civilization, even the name of which we do not know, for example the Indus civilization, or maybe some even more obscure society of which we have no record at all.
    Now consider that time is so long, we all will share that man’s fate, no matter what we do. There will come a day when there is not a human being on the face of the earth, perhaps no life on earth at all, perhaps no humans anywhere. There will come a time when the sun will emit its matter into the void of space and finally go dark. Maybe the entire universe will collapse, and there will come an end to time and space.
    In that context, don’t all your exertions for achievement, for love, wealth, or fame or whatever it is you may choose to be chasing, seem pointless?
    How can they not?
    And that is where God comes in. God, or rather our belief in Him makes us like Daffy Duck in my favorite cartoon, “Duck Amuck.” If you’ve never seen it, look it up.
    At one point, Daffy finds himself out of the animated frame, right off the cellulose, or at least off of an image of the cellulose on which he was being drawn, and talks directly to the audience. Its at once very deep and very funny, which I think is a characteristic of many profound experiences. Its where we find ourselves, outside one box, inside another, whether we perceive it or not. Theology, philosophy and physics are all absurd, and at their best somehow approach comedy, when you think about it. But deep down we all know comedy and sex are supreme over thought. And if you have ever been lucky enough to be able to laugh with your lover after sex, I don’t have to tell you, that’s deep.
    You may say its like a dream, “and in that sleep, … what dreams may come…?” And we all step out of the “real” world into our own dream worlds, and some of us return with true insight, and some return with disturbing nightmares, and some confuse the dream for the waking existence, or vice versa, and are capable of the most shocking barbarity. Or is it the so-called civilized, rational man who is laboring under an illusion? Having evolved over the course of millions of years, surviving in large part due to genetic mechanisms we share with fish, fowl, bugs and beasts — is not the lower creature the greater part of us than this thin veneer of civilization or of rationality?
    When we look at our DNA we find we share 99% of it with the apes, perhaps nearly as much of it with dogs and so on. Are we really so different from them?
    And look at us, even so called civilized beings, constantly at war with one another, we survive by literally ripping the flesh off of other beings, which from a statistical analysis of our genetic material are largely indistinguishable from us.
    And even putting this aside, as Nietzsche says, “in times of peace, a warlike people sets upon itself.” So if we abstained from all flesh, we would still need to consume plants, which are no less alive, and even if we sat quietly, fasting, meditating, our minds yet would fill with thoughts of aggression, and even if we mastered our desire for importance and power, our jealousies and hurts, would we not yet be guilty of a form of aggression, one part of ourselves over another part?
    God, or rather our faith in God, and in a sense, God within us, allows us to step outside of all this noise, to transcend and perceive something greater, beyond the mean struggle for existence, beyond categories and names for things, beyond our ability to express. Our faith ennobles us, and as Martin Luther King said, our forgiveness for the wrongs done to us ironically frees us from the chains that bind us to the enemy. That’s a really big idea.
    Clearly, the universe produced us, as Alan Watts said, in exactly the same way that an apple tree produces an apple. Isn’t it wonderful? Or like Einstein said, to some people, nothing is a miracle. To others, everything is.
    This is a deep and profound truth, that once you can grasp it you will find encompasses and does not contradict these other truths — that even if from an egotistical point of view in the end it may all be fruitless, like the vanity of the man from a lost civilization — we can achieve progress through skeptical and rational analysis, and meanwhile doing our daily work for its own sake, putting food on the table and love in the bed, has value and is a worthwhile exercise of our energies. And if we have any juice left over at the end of the day, would it be such a waste of time to put a message in a bottle, so to speak, and let a prayer pass our lips, just in case the master of the universe might hear us, even if all we have to say is ‘thanks’, or ‘please take care of this soul now lost to us’, or whatever.
    After all, isn’t it just “pity that’s the heart of love”, as Joyce said, and similarly isn’t it just hope that’s the heart of prayer?
    And so, when confronted by the great deep, is it really so foolish and futile for us to cling to hope, the more desperate we are, the more tightly? And like a man lost at sea holding on to a bit of flotsam, it may just turn out that this irrational faith of ours will in the end save us.

  • the nature of reality

    [transcription of a recording called voice002, 3897216 bytes.  date unknown]
    

    I want to talk about the nature of reality and our place in it.
    Its a difficult question because its ultimately unresolvable.
    Its very difficult for a thing to contemplate itself.
    We are part of reality.
    We can’t get outside of it.
    We can’t operate on it.
    We are in it.
    And in a way its both the most important question, and an unimportant question.
    That’s the real essence of what I want to talk about:
    things can both be and not be
    things are beyond pairs of opposites
    ultimate reality lies beyond even concepts.
    And there’s an ineffable quality
    That we all experience
    About which its impossible to talk
    And its this that’s at the root of all religions and philosophies —
    This parsing out of the experience,
    That the immediate experience of the world…
    People have struggled through the ages to try to resolve their perception of the world around them with their inner sense of a different experience of the world, … of some other world.
    And this conflict is the essential human condition.
    How we come to survive whatever level of
    Resolution we come to between these different experiences
    Defines who we are — who we think we are and who we actually are.
    Now if you break things into pairs of opposites,
    You naturally try to talk about the inner and the outer as being separate and distinct.
    Right?
    But the truth is always that pairs of opposites are aspects of some other thing that we might not have direct experience with.
    I’ll show you what I mean:
    We have day and night, right?
    But the sun is always shining as far as we know, at least for the next couple of billion years.
    So the day and night are our perceptions of the sun’s continuous shining limited by our position on the surface of the planet with respect to the constancy of the sun.
    In the same way, our interior experience and our exterior experience are different manifestations of a more universal reality.
    This is a very important concept.
    Again, any time I give it a name, I part it, I take something and put it apart from other things that have different names or no names.
    And that’s what makes it impossible to talk about.
    Lao Tzu says, “the Tao which can be spoken of is not the universal Tao.”
    This is because speech breaks things down into first of all a linear pattern of thought, and individual concepts forming the words of the sentence.
    And as soon as you do that you move away from the universality of the Tao.
    So in a way its futile to even try to talk about this thing that I’m trying to talk about or at least refer to.
    And this dilemma has preoccupied Buddhist monks and Eastern philosophers for millennia.
    The way they try to teach it is usually experientially.
    They can’t actually teach you, but they can set up an environment appropriate to your state of being, that will help induce the realization within you.
    Its very inefficient and time consuming.
    Its also indefinite.
    You can’t really tell whether someone’s got it or not.
    They say you can tell, but you can’t really.
    Its like that Steven Wright joke, “everything in my apartment has been replaced by an exact replica.”
    Its a question if something is an exact replica of something else can you tell them apart?
    Well, if its a perfect enough replica…
    Its not like enlightened people have little radar that they can find each other out.
    Sometimes you can kind of tell based on a person’s comfortableness within the world I guess,
    Or you know, constant comfort and discomfort, feeling everything at the same time.
    Its very confusing.
    Because on the one hand, you have this realization of universality.
    The everything,
    The everything, the everywhere, the every-when.
    And beyond.
    Beyond even our concept of dimension.
    Not higher dimensions, no dimension, all dimensions, beyond dimensionality.
    and I ..or you know its really just a perception of it.
    In the sense of like a cave man looking at the sun: “Ugh. Sun.”
    It’s there. There’s something up there…out there..
    without understanding what it is.
    We don’t understand what it is. Its a — we really have no idea what’s going on — kind of thing.
    We pretend that we do, [because] you know “smart” people have convinced us they know what’s going on.
    That doesn’t mean we do.
    That doesn’t even mean they do.
    You know, in some sense they might know more than us.
    You know, one individual knows more than another individual.
    [its just that they claim they do and we trust them.]
    [maybe they do and maybe they don’t]
    But you know, were all just worms crawling around on this apple.
    Human beings are so arrogant!
    Of course, you know, look around yourself.
    And as far as we can tell, we’re the smartest thing in the universe, … really.
    I mean, this planet, any other planet, any other time — to the extent that we know.
    Which is exactly my point — the extent that we know is not very much.
    We think we know more than we do.
    [I guess its a question of in the absence of evidence to the contrary, do you just assume nothing, or do you keep an open mind, or do you populate the inky blackness with creatures of your imaginings?]
    And on this planet?
    Well maybe, I don’t know.
    Yeah, probably.
    But there’s other species, I mean elephants and whales,
    I mean, that appear to be smarter than we ever thought they were
    [especially when we were busy harvesting them]
    [not to mention chimpanzees and apes and so on]
    Who the hell knows?
    Maybe its staring us right in the face
    Maybe rocks are intelligent in a way we’re so dumb we cant even comprehend.
    Who the hell knows?
    [or some kind of energy being yet to be discovered living on the surface of the sun, or whatever…]
    So there’s another aspect of religion, or mysticism, or whatever you want to call it — is its a way to protect ourselves.
    Its a… the world is a terrifying place, filled with vast sorts of dangers
    In ancient times, you could imagine a primitive man in the wilderness,
    Wild beasts ready to tear him limb from limb at the slightest opportunity.
    Everything’s hungry.
    Everything’s eating on you —
    Bugs,
    Diseases,
    Microscopic things, you don’t even have a concept of,
    That will make you sick,
    Affect you in different ways,
    And kill you.
    […]
    And so we put up these structures of thought,
    I wont call them “myths” necessarily, or fables,
    Because many of the things we think of as myths today
    Were conceived of differently in their time and their cultural context.
    And my observation any way is that there is some form of truth at the bottom of practically every one.
    Everything, all the time.
    Both true and false.
    And neither.
    That’s what I’m talking about.
    And so similarly to the primitive wilderness, the perception of infinite universality is terrifying.
    It gives you vertigo,
    If it doesn’t drive you mad.
    And like the sun you can’t stare at it for too long.
    We’re not built for it.
    And this is something that you find in the ancient writings, like for example in the old testament that we lack today.
    If God showed himself to Moses or Elija
    Remember these were the leaders of their time, very important men.
    They fell to their knees, quaking in terror.
    Our modern conception is that if God came,
    We’d have some serious questions for Him.
    ..you know the arrogance of modern man..
    We’d want to understand and analyze.
    But part of that is the whole concept of Judeo-Christianity or Islam is monarchical, right?
    Its the social organization that they knew at the time.
    You had a king.
    He had total power.
    And a person came with the appropriate reverence, or else.
    And God is the king of the world, so there you have it.
    And there’s a truth to that.
    There’s an appropriate reverence for the infinite,
    That we should have,
    And very often we lack.
    Its this kind of arrogance that I despise in atheists or even let’s say the “secular agnostic,”
    Who has some concept of spirituality and at least is you know, give him credit at least he’s honest enough to say “I don’t know.”
    Our modern conception is the world just doesn’t care. If you want answers, don’t ask to be told, just seek them out yourself. In a way its harder and even more lonely and frightening.
    But the flip side of that is that very often we see a lack of fear and reverent respect.
    And when you think about pollution and global warming, or the nuclear bomb or biological weapons, its not hard to imagine that we will someday pay a terrible price for that arrogance.

    that’s enough for now.


    “Sun is Shining” by DJ Krush & Toshinori Kondo
  • the fall fun fest

    This afternoon was the fall fun fest down at the church. It’s an annual fund raiser with a variety of activities including a homemade hot salsa taste test competition.
    Two weeks ago, Liz and I went to mass together and she persuaded me to enter the salsa competition.
    I had no idea what I was in for.
    of course, Anita was sleeping. I won’t say she hates God, although I know her very well, and that’s what I think. (and I have my reasons. …), but never mind that.
    I will say she hates The Church, and I can’t say I blame her. Some of the time, I do too. Come on, you don’t have to think about it too much, and some times its more obvious than others, but an institution that has lasted as long as the Catholic Church has, has got to be based on something more than just good feelings. And you know there’s tons of material around that. I refer you to my audio blogs of around 060923.
    But never mind any of that. What happened today has nothing to do with all that noise, its about reality, and love, and what it means to love someone, and what kind of emotional desert some people are really coming from.
    So what happened was, that one way or another I got enrolled in having my salsa judged at basically the “church picnic.” And you know I have a recurring dream about heaven being kind of like a church picnic, complete with the jealous aunties competing about who has the best fried chicken recipe, and isn’t that just the way people are? Why should you expect them to change, just because they died and went to heaven? And who do you think deserves to get to heaven if not the church going folk of the world, and don’t they just always show up at the annual fund raiser? And well, so here I am, and don’t you know the competition is fierce.
    Now the deep south might like their deep fried whatever, but here in the southwest, we kind of like our tex-mex, and there’s some good stuff that falls under that umbrella. Basically, we’re talking about Spanish and Native American cuisine filtered through an American strainer with a good dose of baby boomer. Am I making any sense?
    But never mind any of that, either.
    What happened was that when it came down to it, well, here’s the deal.
    It turned there was room for only twelve spots in one of two categories: hottest and best tasting. So if you wanted to get in the running, you had to show up at 3 o’clock, and folks would try out the different salsas and vote on their favorites.
    Now, you know how it works, there is some intrinsic value to the vote, but it doesn’t hurt to pack the ballot box with your friends voting just because they know you.
    As it turns out, I don’t have any friends. Not even my wife showed up to vote. I had to go on down there myself, and make the entry at 3pm, and hang around swapping recipes until 4, when the voting started. And I do have to mention that was kind of fun. Here were a bunch of people who had something in common, anyway, all rather proud of their salsas, and with good reason. And we got to discussing things, and I think I even made a couple of friends, what with your old “Uncle Charlie” and his roasted hatch pepper salsa, Diego with his authentic avocado and habanero salsa, and the eventual winner Susanna (her entry named “Susanna’s Secret” turned out to be the winner, a salty ranch dressing, with sour cream and jalapenos, was really good!). Susanna turned out to be entry t-1, I was t-2. So there we were.
    But you know what pretty much every other entry had, except for me? It was at least one other individual who voted for them, not necessarily because their salsa was better than anyone else’s, but just because they stuck with you. And they cared about the stuff you do, they cared enough at least just to show up. You know what I mean?
    And so I made my entry, and figured out that the tasting wouldn’t start for another hour, so what would I do? The UT football game was on, and it turns out I prefer the radio, for a number of reasons, one of them being that I consider myself free to move away from my tv or the stadium for that matter on saturday afternoons, and the radio announcer, Craig Way, who is totally awesome, in terms of facts and figures and knowing the background not only on his home team, but also the opponent, and believe me, if you’ve never heard him, when reporting on the Longhorns, you’ve never heard a better announcer reporting on any team, anywhere, in any sport. And its a whole ‘nother thing than listening to these non-entities who fly in for the game and barely know what city they’re in, and cover it for national TV. But that’s just another line of bullshit I don’t want to get into at the moment.
    So there I was, entering my salsa, all by myself. Turns out both of my kids were at that game. Monica of course, is in the band, and its kind of required that she show up, and Liz happened to have a buddy who’s parents have season tickets and couldn’t make the game, and she invited her to go, so that’s pretty cool right there, isn’t it? And with a kid who’s out there on the field, even just before the game and at half time, and as a Texas-Ex myself, don’t you think I should be there, in spades? Part of me feels like a failure all the time, just because I’m not a millionaire. You know around here, that’s pretty much the yardstick. So I should at least have season tickets, but never mind that they’re not on sale at any price, not to mention sky box tickets, and have you ever thought about the whole idea of sky boxes at a college stadium, I mean really? But on the other hand, what are these dopes doing, planning the church fund raiser to coincide with a UT football game? They must not be from around here. But never mind any of that, either.
    So there I was, entering my salsa into the contest, all by myself. Everyone else I noted had at least one companion, usually a spouse, if applicable, if you know what I mean. And there were some interesting entries. It turned out the winner of the hottest salsa category were a trio of kids who had a bunch of their friends show up to vote for them but not to mention, they also had some of the pretty damnest hot, I mean God damned hot salsa that you ever wanted to mess around with. I tried them all, and let me tell you, I had a microscopic amount of theirs, at their exuberant suggestion after we had chatted for a while, and oh, my God!
    But never mind any of that.
    So there I was, doing this thing, all by myself, just the way everything has gone my whole life long. Sometimes I wonder about that. Am I so antisocial that I have to constantly find myself in such situations? And after literally decades of pondering this topic, I have come to the conclusion that the answer is no. There’s a lot going on. Its like first of all, part of the wisdom of the ages, whereever you come from, whether you have surrendered to Islam, and believe in predestination, or you’re a Taoist, and seek a kind of unity with the way of the universe, or you come from the school of “just deal with it, motherfucker”, or whatever. Its not that I do or don’t do anything in particular to cause myself to wind up in situations like this over and over again, but what does make me different (or at least this is what I tell myself), is that not only do I have the self-awareness to even consider this question, which is in itself both a curse and a blessing, but I have the courage to get up out of my solitary existence, and experience life, even if that means I must do so solitary. I’ve given up waiting for a companion. I’ve gone out there and learned to dive, and to ski, and go golfing, and study martial arts, and whatever, and though most things would be better with a buddy, its better to do it alone than not do it at all, letting life pass you by while you’re waiting for one to show up. But on the other hand, there I was, feeling lonely, participating in an event at my church, among folks I obviously had something in common with, lonely in the middle of a crowd of people. That’s what I mean about the mysterious connection between character and destiny. The same things keep happening to you over and over for a reason. Because its your nature. Deal with it.
    What I mean is that there’s plenty of other solitaires out there in the universe, but most of them are, you know, all by themselves. Not too many of them go to restaurants, or movies, or church socials. The social pressure is just too great. The world is like one big High School cafeteria.
    And at the least we all used to have family groups we could fall back on, or so I imagine, but not so much in this mobile, post-industrial whirrld we live in. So now you might find person X goes to place Y for school or a job or whatever, and falls into social group Z or not, and if not, well then, the world just says “fuck you”. You fall through the cracks never to be seen again, and no one will even notice you’re missing, you know what I mean?
    So there I was, entering my salsa, all by myself. And so I had asked Anita to come with me just to keep me company, but she had laundry to do. Well, I thought, we had a good morning anyway, even in bed, just as always, and you might think that she’d kind of just want to stick with me, but no, never mind that.
    So there I was, entering my salsa all by myself, and after chatting briefly with “Uncle Charlie” and his lovely wife, and Susanna, and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles who were responsible for Fuego del Gringo, I decided to grab a beer, and a chicken fajita, and get a taste of the competition, and sit there and eat at the long eight foot tables, all by myself. Am I making myself clear yet?
    So there I am with my two dozen blobs of salsa, and my chicken fajita and my beer, and my cell phone, so I call Anita, to tell her my story and see if she’ll come down at least for a little while, until the tasting starts, its kind of a cool energy going on here.
    No, she’s busy.
    That pretty much says it all, doesn’t it?

  • Just ignore reality, maybe it will go away.

    [… in reply to a note from my brother Jim …]
    Message received and noted. Damn the bastids. However, we remain balanced with equanimity due to a healthful residue of blissful ignorance.
    Apropos the delayed reply, though, here’s today’s fun chain of unanticipated consequences:
    While we were gone, we paid a neighbor’s kid, M., to mow the lawn once a week. Monica was actually here the first week. We had one of her friends, J., staying in the house the following week to watch the dogs and pool and so on, when Monica joined us in Belize. As you know, we were kind of out of touch that week, though we found out on the way home that there had been a problem. J. had called that the air conditioning had gone out upstairs. She called Cathy. Cathy called an a serviceman, who called an electrician. Everyone had called me and left messages on my mobile phone, while I remained happily unaware, spearfishing my jubilee dinner, or conversing with a bush doctor over some maybe surprising secret lore of zericote wood.
    What? Because apparently overzealous in his duties as lawnmower boy, M. also mowed right over the power line feeding the a/c. Ka-pow!
    The unanticipated part? Evidently, the surge blew out the disks of one of our primary computers. To tell you the truth, I don’t really know that was the cause. All I know is that when we came home, both disks were as well as the bulb on the lamp on the desk were dead, but the computer itself would boot with a replacement disk. (turns out I’ve got a sackful of ’em.) So it’s a drag, but not that bad, because a certain party backed up all the data just before we left, and the server is fine and well, thank you very much.
    The moral of this story? Aside from the obvious — that the real world will bleed you dry and then kick you in the ass just out of spite, so the hell with it? Just go have a good time and ignore it. Maybe it will go away.
    I don’t know. But I can tell you this: the server is protected by a heavier duty surge protector with a thing called an uninterruptible power supply. Basically it’s a glorified battery. Get one.

  • belize adventure

    hi all,
    just wanted to send you a note that we made it here safe and sound after some adventure.
    picture this: a classic two story white stucco hacienda, with high ceilings, a first class kitchen, giant porch, great room, fine hardwood and tile throughout. everything all new.
    anita counted the palm trees. 8 over 30 feet tall, 7 smaller, most filled with coconuts, perfect white sand raked smooth every day by the most excellent caretakers who live in their own little house out back, two hammocks, one sundeck on the roof overlooking the fantastic turquoise water, and the breakers roaring over the reef just 500 yards out from shore. a dock with two boats, we can get a ride out anytime we want — into town, out snorkeling, or fishing or whatever.
    we went out this morning snorkeling and fishing, and alberto caught a sack full of snapper and a giant barracuda. mmmm..
    monica’s friend erika caught a gar, andy didn’t catch anything, but had a great time, counting the giant brain coral, boulder coral, pillar, bright purple sea fans,the water thick with fish, rays, chromies, parrotfish, all the usual suspects.
    alberto’s girlfriend mar turns out to be the most amazing cook and is the most efficient and discreet cleaner upper.
    its amazing. it takes a little getting used to to have basically a maid and personal guide at your disposal, but they’re invisible most of the time and just seem to appear when needed and disappear just as fast.
    cool.
    the house is awesomely astounding, and we’re all chilling out just great.
    wish you all were here.
    love,
    A&A


    as for the adventure getting here, it seems much milder in retrospect, but also I think serves as a kind of group personality test (fyi, we passed).
    here’s what happened. first of all, we are kind of bouncing around and spaced from a nice couple of days on the beach in montauk and a wedding in new jersey, and the usual stuff in between, and we had a challenging drive after the reception driving halfway across the state to get to the hotel in queens near laguardia so we could take a reasonably short hop over to the airport in the morning. no problem, except for queens, I guess, which seems to be laid out in a non-euclidean geometry, where no two streets meet at right angles, and two different streets are immediately adjacent and run parallel to one another with different numbering schemes involving dashes and letters and nonlinear sequences. and the hotel wasn’t really too bad at all, except for the stink of smoke in the halls that just about made you nauseous. really, we literally had to hold our breath from the door to the elevator full of philippine and indian immigrant laborers, apparently. but nevermind that, we did ok..
    our flight was fine, and we arrived in houston shortly before bj and pam who were to meet us flying directly from new york, and monica who would be driving down from austin. all that worked out, which was kind of amazing considering the number of different ways that sync-up could have gone wrong, except for the fact that monica forgot her passport. hoo boy.
    after some quick brainstorming, we got that taken care of by a combination of monica’s good friend julie who would be minding our house anyway, searching for monica’s passport for her and driving halfway to houston where monica and I would meet her in brenham in the middle of the night.
    believe it or not, that worked out too, and we got up on time in the morning and made it to the airport with everybody and their friends and their passports, and sure enough, here we are on the plane to belize.
    here’s where the real fun started, because its a pretty good hike from the airport to belize city, to the crowded third world ferry dock, to the two hour ferry ride out to the caye. we could have saved some time and taken a puddle jumper over, but it was a bit more expensive, and we all know anita’s feelings about little planes. fortunately the weather was fine, we were in good spirits, and there’s few things a smile and a good slathering of money won’t solve.
    the ride was nice, though a bit long, and finally, the dock at san pedro came into view. everybody off. it was hot, but here was some shade and even a bar. let’s go inside, have a bite and a drink, while I call alberto.
    no answer. no answer again. no ring. what the?
    no one had heard of him or the place where we were staying (it wasn’t a resort, but a new house, well out of town and far up the beach, we think. we’re not quite sure. they don’t exactly have street numbers out here).
    this interval of uncertainty was challenging, and compounded by the fact that anita was not well, and couldn’t venture very far from a bathroom, and naturally she was quite cranky.
    the kids were great, calm and chipper, self-reliant and helpful. I was very proud of them.
    and I was ok too, thank you very much, after exploring hiring a water taxi (which would have been pretty expensive), I was advised to wait for the three o’clock shuttle, filled with locals and driven by a sort of blustery young man who thought he might know the house we were looking for, after we showed him the picture we had printed off the internet.
    scanning house after house, nestled among the coconut palms, for perhaps five miles, the resorts began to thin out, and we were practically the only folks left on the boat. and I was considering contingency plans. there appeared to be plenty of places we could stay, a little inconvenience, maybe, but no panic.
    finally, “there it is!” we all shouted just about at once, and circling around, the boat driver dropped us all off at the dock. Thanks and a tip and off he tooled into his own little world.
    the place looked fabulous, but there was no sign of life anywhere.
    “where’s the nearest bathroom, do you think?” Anita asked.
    wandering around back, I found who I later would learn was Mar, and Alberto’s brother, and explained who we were.
    “Oh!” She apologized, and explained that Alberto was under the impression that we would be arriving at the airport, and that he had a new cell phone number, that no one had told us…so we were calling his old number that had been disconnected, and they were beginning to worry where we were. They spent the rest of the week trying to make it up to us. I think they succeeded.
    So.
    Remember this lesson: In adversity, stay calm. Stay clear. Smile. Be generous. Have faith, but also have a contingency plan. You never know what may go wrong, but things have a way of working out.

  • Creepus Jersiam in Hamptonia est

    Here’s something to think about.
    There are resort hotels on the beach near Montauk, on Long Island, just east of Hither Hills State Park, where camping reservations need to be made a year in advance. You can book rooms at some of these resorts in Montauk about six months in advance if you want oceanfront, but it will cost you more than $300 per night. that’s more than a luxury hotel on Central Park South in Manhattan.
    The strange thing is except for Fire Island, with a few little towns accessible only by ferry, and segregated by income and sexual orientation, you have to travel seventy miles west before you find another beachfront hotel, and that is in Long Beach, not too swift. then you have some swamps, JFK airport and then pretty much the next stop is Coney Island.
    All of those miles of beautiful beachfront have been carved out for private homes and the occasional town beach, excluding all nonresidents with just a few exceptions (Jones Beach, Robert Moses State Park and Smith Point Park), and the remainder, including large chunks of Fire Island National Seashore, has been transferred into private hands under circumstances that are murky to say the least. A local journalist tried to look into it once — tracing the details of title transfers of oceanfront property from public to private hands, back in the 70’s. He quit after receiving death threats to his family. True story.
    The most peculiar thing about this observation is that it is so obvious, and yet so obscure to the two or three million people living on Long Island, not to mention the millions more living in New York City. Of course its no accident that they are kept out of so much of what should by all rights be more accessible. But the folks who own it now, as well as the folks they’re trying so desperately to keep out, are all living in a bubble.
    Its odd how complete the encapsulation is for most “wrong islanders” being as they are extraordinarily proud of the beaches from which they are for the most part excluded. Its a strangely linear existence marked mainly by your exit from the L.I.E. or your stop on the L.I.R.R. all the way out to the end of the line, your measure of success is how far you have gone, like degrees on a thermometer, you’re either hot or you’re not.
    But for the millions of folks who know they’ll never be able to afford to live out past exit 72, on the beach, where for the hundreds of years previously when more sensible folk would never think of living — its kind of like the Californians who live on the fault line — living in their own bubble.
    Its remarkable in a way how little is know about this strange enclave, how perfectly self-contained it is, and given its proximity to New York City and the generally high achievement level of the people living there that literally nothing has been written about it, at least nothing significant since F. Scott Fitzgerald I guess, nor anything of the fact that the rest of the universe likes it just that way — keep Long Islanders barely contained, like so many Africanized bees.
    Yet Long Islanders in general look with disdain on everybody else, too, and their resort areas — wouldn’t consider a summer vacation to the mountains — “where’s the beach?” and if they have a beach “where’s the surf?” and likewise wouldn’t consider traveling to any other beaches than “their own” (which of course, or rather ironically, they’re not really). New Jersey beaches? Please. Cape Cod? too cold, and anyway the people are stuffy, never mind that they hate New Yorkers, with all the limited passion they can muster. all those pushy Jews, smelly, hairy Italians, or drunk Irish, and they’re all too loud and just take over a place when they come in, so don’t make them welcome, don’t feed them, or like stray dogs, they might just stay. its a kind of prejudice, just short of that reserved for blacks, but don’t worry, Long Islanders have plenty of that animus of their own. they all hate each other just as much as everyone else hates them. Long Islanders from exit 62 look down with pity on those from Queens, just as they are in turn looked down upon by those further out.
    Let’s just skip over Virginia Beach, and people literally look at you blankly when you inform them that yes, Delaware and Maryland do in fact have nice sandy Atlantic beaches. Forget the Carolinas and Georgia, all that Deep Fried South stuff. more of that mutual antagonism and the southerners are just as happy to be overlooked. next stop, south Florida, there’s an exception. and if you go there, its like a Long Islander’s dream. that’s why there’s so many retirees living down there, at least from the previous generation, because it seemed reasonable, but not so much anymore, and with the combination of rising prices in Florida and reduced opportunities in New York you have an equation that makes it tougher for folks from my “not the greatest generation” to make the transition.
    But like so many parts of the country these days, most of the island is little more than a worthless succession of strip malls separated from one another by fig leaves of tree stands, here a decrepit old school building, there a tract of a thousand decaying split level homes built in the fifties or sixties, there so many McMansions popping up in the sand dunes like mushrooms after a rain. its all the same, merely a matter of degree.
    But here, let me say that Long Islanders are strong, capable, and hyper energetic, even aggressive people, despised by practically everyone who knows them as something as desirable as fire ants, but who live more or less contentedly inside their own little world which encompasses New York City and the boroughs, except Staten Island, which is for some reason beneath contempt, sort of like New Jersey, of which it is really a part, geographically speaking at least (look at a map). the Bronx, which is a kind of no-man’s land, don’t ever go there, ever. for any reason, except maybe a Yankees game. or Brooklyn, from which most of our parents escaped, or Queens from which our cousins and peers may still be trying to escape, and into which the current flood of immigrants pour, just like our grandparents did, only now not from Italy, Ireland and Germany, but from Korea, the Phillipines, Russia, and Latin America.
    And these odd little carbuncles of the Hamptons lie out here, with their Sotheby’s realtors and their queer chi-chi clothing shops and tons of traffic you don’t even want to think about on the weekends, all wealthy New Yorkers, or as my brother John once quipped “Creepus Jersiam in Hamptonia est,” paraphrasing Dad’s oft mumbled complaint of “Jersey creeps” (think mobsters) via Caesar’s Latin which pretty much sums it up in a nutshell, when you think about it, especially if you knew my brother and my Dad.
    But the Hamptons don’t want you, either, whoever the fuck you are, and just wish you would go away, and everyone is thinking ‘we came out here to get away from all this crap, and all you low-life creeps, but we forgot to put up a fence so here you are’ but what they usually don’t realize is that everyone they’re looking at is thinking exactly the same thing about them.

  • die kunst der fugue

    i will tell you right now and without reservation that bach’s “die kunst der fugue” is the highest musical achievement in all of human endeavor. it is really more than that, it is among the highest artistic achievements of all humankind.
    it is unfortunate that bach’s instrument of choice, the church organ has so many other connotations, especially for the modern listener, but it is surprising and disappointing to me to see how little attention this astonishing but sadly unfinished set of compositions receives among the musical community.
    there are a few transcriptions for ensembles of strings and horns, but so far, and with rare but exceptional moments, i have found none that really cover the depth of insight, the breadth of emotion, the nuanced ingenuity of the master the way a complete treatment does.
    maybe its presumptuous of me to think that this lack of attention may be due to a true lack of appreciation, even among the musical cognoscenti of the accomplishment this work represnts, its perfection down to the unfinished ending of number 19, the fuga a tres sogetti.. as the work of bachs last years conclude a set of carefully constructed, almost mathematical formations with an unresolved harmonic progression…
    everything is in there, its like a mandala, its perfect, particularly with this final imperfection.
    maybe its my mathematical mind, structured as it is through years of computer programming. i remember my first exposure to the musical offering by way of hofstadter’s book “Gödel, Escher, Bach…” which, if you have not read, please stop reading this now, and go find right now and read.
    that is, if you care about any of this..
    but i wondered what hofstadter was talking about, and checked it out, and i was kind of struck, especially given a little bit of an anticipatory set, how the nature of the human mind, of thought itself is kind of expressed in this kind of music, but that music carries so many other aspects of our humanity with it, love, sex, longing, desire and guilt, grief, hope, righteous outrage and anger, among all the musical forms of blues, rock, folk, jazz, and traditional music of all sorts, and all the things everyone is trying to say through these pieces, and it reminded me of some dreams i started having when i first began studying computer science.
    they were strange, sort of like that segment of disney’s fantasia, where just before the elephants start dancing on the mushrooms or whatever, where there’s nothing but black background and streams of staffs and notes and then they start to wave, but my dream was not exactly like that, the notes in my mind were the bits of the computer and i understood them, saw them, sort of like that critical moment at the end of the first matrix movie where neo sees the matrix for what it really is, except this was back in the seventies, when i was studying this stuff, it was much more abstract when all you’ve got to work with is punched cards, or maybe an electronic terminal.
    but nevermind that, maybe what i’m trying to get at is this correspondence between bach’s mazelike accomplishment in the art of the fugue and our modern work with computers. there’s this requirement of a certain level of comprehension before you can even begin to contemplate the thing. and as i said, i suspect that even very capable musicians, composers, and people you think should know better, that there’s something missing from their perspective that causes them to lack the ability to percieve this accomplishment, even as they claim that they do…
    but never mind that either..
    just do this: sit down with a good version of die kunst der fugue (i recommend marie-claire alain). and listen to it straight through for a whole day. lather, rinse, repeat. drink deep, my friend. you won’t be the same when you’re done.